aah! more evils of band!
by arpunk227
Summary: more evils of band...some dirty words but its worth it...it's from the why is marchng band evil series (part four of the continuing saga...)


RANDOM STUFF @ 8  
  
1 MARCHING BAND: BEHIND THE PLUMES  
  
AUTHOR'S NOOK: I probably should mention that I tried out as being a SSL (Squad Section Leader)…it didn't go too well (the evil Neo Nazi Band Director says that I don't know my scales-I DO TOO YOU NAZI! I'VE BEEN PLAYING MY SCALES FOR THE PAST SEVEN GODDAMN YEARS YOU WENCH!) Anywho…I'm not that bitter…sort of…but I feel that not earning the right to be a SSL is, as my mommie would say, "a blessing in disguise." But here's more of the exciting story of THE TRUTH OF MARCHING BAND…(PS – for my own safety I am using my "Internet name" arpunk227 throughout these pieces for my own sake – and so that if anyone in the band department catches me I won't get screwed!)  
  
(Key terminology: NNBD-neo nazi band director; KAPOS-drum major; SSL-squad section leader; DBM: dictatorial band mommie; R_P-random *whatever instrument is present; i.e. flute = F, clarinet = C, trombone = TB* player)  
  
Once again another mindless morning for our hero (arpunk227) as she must face the dreaded dictatorial band mommies (NOOOO!)  
  
Arpunk227: Um hi…I have a question to ask you-  
  
DBM: What the hell do you want? (Gives the "evil eye" to our hero)  
  
Arpunk227: Well…um…it's about the uniform…  
  
DBM: What the hell do I look like - a tailor? For Christ's sake go do it your goddamn self!  
  
Arpunk227: Um…it's not that-  
  
DBM: Then what the hell is it then?  
  
Arpunk227: Well…I think a button is missing (and also the sleeves come up to my elbows, and also-the color choice is really tacky…a solid orange uniform is really ugly in my personal opinion and -)  
  
DBM: Why the hell should I care!  
  
Arpunk227: Um…you should actually-  
  
DBM: (hits arpunk227 with a random hatbox that's conveniently nearby) Don't you dare talk back to me! I'm the head DBM and you personally can go and kiss my ASS! (Begins to shoot flames from the mouth…very scary picture…) I HAVE TO DEAL WITH BITCHY CHILDREN EVERY DAY (begins to talk like a five year old) Oh no! My cumberbund (AUTHOR'S NOTE – I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO SPELL IT BUT I THINK THAT'S CORRECT) is on backwards and I CAN'T SEEM TO FIX THE GODDAMN THING! NOW…DO YOU HAVE ANY MORE GODDAMN QUESTIONS?  
  
Arpunk227: (begins to flinch) um…no…  
  
DBM: GOOD! NOW…let me be at peace – a new episode of "Young and the Restless" is on and I want to watch so LEAVE ME ALONE DAMNIT!  
  
Thus our battered hero leaves the DBM room and decides to take a two hour "bathroom break" (background: um…my contact mysteriously disappeared…it um…fell off and um…oh look at the time! Scurries away somewhere and yells huzzah!)  
  
Meanwhile in the evil (air-conditioned, state of the art, with baskets full of food and water) band office…the NNBD's and the KAPOS decide on what the band should do next (AAH! THE HUMANITY!)  
  
NNBD#1: What shall we do with our worthless mortals today?  
  
NNBD#2: I think we should talk about all of our past seasons and then send in subliminal messages on why they're doing bad this year and then make all of the students watch the past five seasons  
  
NNBD#3: Wait! I have an even more devilish plan…we should make everyone test out the new uniforms we've just ordered…they're so hideous looking but still…they'll get hot and complain…he he he…  
  
NNBD#2: Ooh brilliant! But wait…didn't that one male flute player collapse yesterday from practice due to a heat stroke…  
  
NNBD#1: Please don't remind me about that…seriously-I mean sure it was only 95 degrees in the shade but that stupid flutist really needed a hat or something…  
  
NNBD#2: "Sigh" Oh well…Probably the student body would rebel again…more Evian® anyone?  
  
NNBD#3: Ooh! That sounds divine!  
  
(Conversation is interrupted by KAPOS#2)  
  
KAPOS#2: SIR!  
  
NNBD#3: Yes slave…what do you want now?  
  
KAPOS#2: KAPOS#1 is starting to have convulsions again…(begins whimpering) I'm afraid…  
  
NNBD#3: (Slaps KAPOS#2 on the face): Fool! Make sure he's in room by himself (without any mirrors of course) and give him some water and plenty of it…ALLRIGHT!  
  
KAPOS#2: (still whimpering) yes…sir…  
  
NNBD#2: (noticing something bizarre in KAPOS#2 hand) what do you have in your hand, slave?  
  
KAPOS#2: Um…it's a band tape from the top school in the nation…sir…  
  
NNBD#3: What have we told you about viewing other people's tapes?  
  
KAPOS#2: That it is illegal to do and is in violation with the "Almighty Band Code" Rule No. 265, Paragraph 3, Section 25.77982, Lines 33.21  
  
NNBD#3: Good job KAPOS#2…I'm very proud of you (Pats KAPOS#2 on the head) you may leave now and have a cookie…and we'll take the tape from you at this point in time (snatches tape with much glee and has an evil smirk on face)  
  
KAPOS#2: YEAH! (Skips gleefully from the evil band office…eerie…)  
  
NNBD#1: Excellent…(does the Mr. Burn's finger roll from "The Simpsons") now we can watch the top band perform and copy them! BWHA HA HA! (Stares happily at the tape and begins stroking it…eww…)  
  
NNBD#2: Does anyone know of this testing?  
  
NNBD#1: (quickly shifts back to reality) Huh…you mean the ones done on KAPOS#1…not to my knowledge…  
  
NNBD#2: Do you know NNBD#3?  
  
NNBD#3: None at this point…but we must keep it a secret (begins to do some form of soliloquy in a black backdrop) if anyone should know of this…they will be personally terminated-  
  
(RTBP accidentally steps into the room…how ironic!)  
  
RTBP: Um…I had to drop off a note saying that I was sick…not insanely sick but like a flu sick…um…I'm in trouble aren't I… PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!  
  
(NNBD's stare for awhile…crickets chirping in background…then NNBD's begin their evil laugh)  
  
NNBD#2: Send that person to THE BOX…  
  
RTBP: AAAAH! (Dragged away to its doom…)  
  
2 Meanwhile back on the field…  
  
Arpunk227: I'm hot…is anyone else hot?  
  
RCP#12: (magically becomes on fire) HELP ME I'M ON FIRE! (Begins running around the field screaming) AAAAAH!  
  
Arpunk227: Um…roll around and stuff…you'll be fine…I think…(quickly scurries away and randomly overhears a conversation)  
  
RFP: This sucks! I hate having to be out in 110-degree weather! I want to go home! (Begins to cry)  
  
Arpunk227: Ah joy! The wonders of freshman complaining about the weather…sigh (begins to have some memory when our hero first started out when she was a sophomore marching band geek * FLASHBACK TIME! *)  
  
(Several years ago – about two to be precise…)  
  
SSL: Get your ass to work you swine!  
  
Arpunk227: I'm tired…I need some water-  
  
SSL: YOU! CLARINET #8, WHAT ARE YOU MOANIN' ABOUT?  
  
Arpunk227: I need some water…I can't breathe…  
  
SSL: YES YOU CAN YOU LAZY ASS! GET BACK TO WORK!  
  
Arpunk227: Help me…  
  
RCP#13: Bite me wench!  
  
Arpun227: I think I'm going to collapse…ugh!  
  
(* FLASBACK TIME IS OVER! * Arpunk227 is back to reality and quivers about the event)  
  
Arpunk227: Ick! Think happy thoughts, think of your happy place…(begins thinking of puppies, flowery fields and most of all…Tobey Maguire in spandex!)…Aah…much better…  
  
SSL: Get back to marching you lazy swine!  
  
Arpunk227: (sighs) is there no humanity in this world…(gets attacked by a clarinet from SSL * OW! THAT SMARTS! *) 


End file.
